tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34567928425024289102024-03-13T10:49:01.126-07:00101 HILARIOUS JOKESWhy Microsoft shouldn't make cars
Forbidden love
Quick Tips
Go on, tell them
Two sides of the story
Little Nancy
Anniversary
Press clippings
The Urinal Challenge
Pay attention ,You Have a Joke pls tell use Leave your Comments,Jokes on Comment Page Thank You.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-71620918057109211382008-12-11T01:57:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:57:43.838-08:00Why Microsoft shouldn't make carsWhy Microsoft shouldn't make cars<br />At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."<br />In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:<br />1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.<br />2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.<br />3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.<br />4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.<br />5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buymore seats.<br />6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.<br />7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.<br />8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.<br />9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.<br />10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.<br />11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.<br />12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.<br />13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-63288957041546117632008-12-11T01:57:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:57:19.918-08:00Forbidden loveForbidden love<br />They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.<br />She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....<br />Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.<br />He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.<br />The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.<br />They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............<br />CAUGHT..........Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-47423288636135974422008-12-11T01:56:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:56:58.728-08:00Quick TipsQuick Tips<br />X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased". ------------------------------------------IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.<br />The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out. ------------------------------------------CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone. ------------------------------------------ JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head. ------------------------------------------CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off. ------------------------------------------ AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane. ------------------------------------------POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking. ------------------------------------------ RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" ------------------------------------------ PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak. ------------------------------------------BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.------------------------------------------HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.------------------------------------------TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.<br />Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.<br />Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.<br />Just watch their faces in the morning!Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-16235000827389271802008-12-11T01:56:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:56:33.506-08:00Go on, tell themGo on, tell themThis story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.<br />One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring theirspouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if theanswers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.<br />Last week the competition went like this:<br />Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?<br />Brian: Yeah, sure.<br />Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?<br />Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.<br />Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?<br />Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.<br />Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?<br />Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.<br />Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!<br />Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.<br />Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one<br />Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?<br />Brian: Yeah, alright.<br />Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?<br />Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.<br />Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.<br />Sharelle: Hi Brian.<br />Brian: Hi Sharelle.<br />Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.<br />Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.<br />Sharelle: O.K.<br />Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?<br />Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.<br />Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.<br />Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.<br />Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.<br />How long did it go for Sharelle?<br />Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.<br />Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.<br />Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.<br />Where did you do it?<br />Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.<br />Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.<br />Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.<br />Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!<br />Instant Radio Silence. Advert.<br />Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-21368664812245448042008-12-11T01:55:00.002-08:002008-12-11T01:56:08.183-08:00Two sides of the storyTwo sides of the story<br />Her side of the story:<br />He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.<br />The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.<br />We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.<br />But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.<br />We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!<br />So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.<br />But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.<br />I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???His side of the story:Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-71319046201934929012008-12-11T01:55:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:55:37.413-08:00Little NancyLittle Nancy<br />Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.<br />Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."<br />The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"<br />Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-57237459541948164482008-12-11T01:54:00.002-08:002008-12-11T01:55:12.538-08:00AnniversaryAnniversary<br />When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."<br />In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.<br />However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.<br />In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.<br />After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.<br />But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"<br />Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."<br />Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."<br />They hugged and made their peace.<br />A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"<br />Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-59144407881495655322008-12-11T01:54:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:54:47.808-08:00Press clippingsPress clippings<br />From The Gloucester Citizen'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.<br />"Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."-------------------------------------------From The Guardian"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards'.<br />"The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."-------------------------------------------"Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'-------------------------------------------From the Churchdown Parish Magazine"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick', is for monetary donations only."-------------------------------------------From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: "Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."-------------------------------------------From The Times:"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guardspokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"-------------------------------------------From The Scottish Big Issue: "In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of notbeing a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.<br />"'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be.' where upon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer -attempted to pull them apart.<br />"Several more Henrys -Smith,Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.<br />"The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."-------------------------------------------From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."-------------------------------------------From The Derby Abbey Community News: "We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.<br />"This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."-------------------------------------------From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."-------------------------------------------An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.<br />The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-72393158707220156312008-12-11T01:52:00.004-08:002008-12-11T01:54:20.755-08:00The Urinal ChallengeThe Urinal Challenge<br />You mission is to identify correctly, based on proper urinal etiquette, the stall at which you should stand. Good luck!<br />1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.<br /><br />X<br /><br />X<br /><br /><br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.2. Urinal 1 is occupied.<br />X<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.<br /><br />3. No urinals are occupied.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."<br />4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.<br /><br />X<br /><br />X<br /><br />X<br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.<br /><br />5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.<br /><br />X<br /><br /><br />X<br />X<br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!<br /><br />6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.<br />X<br />X<br /><br /><br />X<br />X<br />1<br />2<br />3<br />4<br />5<br />6<br />ANSWER: The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!<br />ADDITIONAL RULES:<br />NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.<br />I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.<br />NO Singing. Period.<br />Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-53641614173431337502008-12-11T01:52:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:52:53.540-08:00Pay attentionPay attention<br />"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.<br />"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.<br />He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.<br />After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.<br />"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense ofobservation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-22798738471623518742008-12-11T01:52:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:52:26.570-08:00Indecent ProposalIndecent Proposal<br />A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"<br />She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and thenreplies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."<br />The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"<br />Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"<br />The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-37190928605399012762008-12-11T01:51:00.004-08:002008-12-11T01:52:07.343-08:00What Men Really Mean.What Men Really Mean.<br />"I'm going fishing."Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."<br />"Woman driver."Really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."<br />"It's a guy thing."Really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."<br />"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.<br />"My wife doesn't understand me."Really means..."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."<br />"It would take too long to explain."Really means..."I have no idea how it works."<br />"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."<br />"It's a really good movie."Really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."<br />"That's women's work."Really means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."<br />"Go ask your mother."Really means..."I am incapable of making a decision."<br />"I do help around the house."Really means..."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."<br />"I can't find it."Really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-39862565240992325262008-12-11T01:51:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:51:46.266-08:00You're nextYou're next<br />When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-76397378899802707812008-12-11T01:51:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:51:24.637-08:00Anyone for a drink?Anyone for a drink?<br />At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In 'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud". Hans steps up next "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers." Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, give me a coke with ice please".<br />The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-42667944607404504992008-12-11T01:50:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:51:01.653-08:00French ComputersFrench Computers<br />A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.<br />"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"<br />One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"<br />The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.<br />So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.<br />The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:<br />1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;<br />2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;<br />3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and<br />4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.<br />The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:<br />1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;<br />2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;<br />3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and<br />4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-10214836703242166232008-12-11T01:49:00.002-08:002008-12-11T01:50:36.506-08:00S.... Education - A new twist on an old jokeSperm Education - A new twist on an old joke<br />The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.<br />"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.<br />Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"<br />The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"<br />Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.<br />A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.<br />He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approachthe red, sticky ball.<br />When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."<br />The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-28670841472093890932008-12-11T01:49:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:49:33.867-08:00The bunny and the snakeThe bunny and the snake<br />Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.<br />One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.<br />This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.<br />"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."<br />"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."<br />"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.<br />So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."<br />"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.<br />The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."<br />So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.<br />I'd say you must be either a consultant, a computer programmer, or possibly someone in senior management."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-3964892566543704312008-12-11T01:48:00.002-08:002008-12-11T01:49:10.162-08:00Gender rolesGender roles<br />A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.<br />She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.<br />She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"<br />To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-37268971570018255682008-12-11T01:48:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:48:47.039-08:00The ant and the elephantThe ant and the elephant<br />One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.<br />The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."<br />So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".<br />The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.<br />"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-3898047678446705992008-12-11T01:47:00.004-08:002008-12-11T01:48:24.329-08:00One blonde joke too farOne blonde joke too far<br />A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.<br />He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?<br />What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?<br />It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-39004627387651921582008-12-11T01:47:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:47:57.271-08:00Cave etiquetteCave etiquette<br />To: CavematesFrom: Bin Laden, OsamaSent: Monday, November 29, 2001 8:17 AMSubject: The CaveHi guys. We've all been putting in long hours in this conflict but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and the new guy Richard.Love you lots.Osama B.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-68664508940984145242008-12-11T01:47:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:47:34.353-08:00Christmas PartyChristmas Party<br />John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.<br />After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,where his wife put some coffee in front of him.<br />"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"<br />"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."<br />"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."<br />"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."<br />"Well, screw him!" said John.<br />"I did. You're back at work on Monday."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-11582876219940977322008-12-11T01:46:00.004-08:002008-12-11T01:47:13.497-08:00Monday morningsMonday mornings<br />This company hires a new guy and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."<br />His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off.<br />The guy then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.<br />The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."<br />The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in.<br />Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week.<br />The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick."<br />His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday.<br />Tuesday comes and as soon as the guy shows up, his boss calls him into his office.<br />"What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."<br />The bloke replies, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex all day long."<br />"Your sister!" says the boss, "That's disgusting!"<br />The man replies, "I told you I was sick."Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-37205147101002184402008-12-11T01:46:00.003-08:002008-12-11T01:46:48.150-08:00Before it startsBefore it starts<br />A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.<br />He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3456792842502428910.post-62600624414968278022008-12-11T01:46:00.001-08:002008-12-11T01:46:28.137-08:00Replacing mouse ballsReplacing mouse balls<br />This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last sentence.<br />Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.<br />Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.<br />Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse.<br />Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic ball are replaced by using the twist-off method.Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.<br />It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.<br />Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.Adminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03324290407928324719noreply@blogger.com0