Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars

Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buymore seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Forbidden love

Forbidden love
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............
CAUGHT..........

Quick Tips

Quick Tips
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased". ------------------------------------------IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.
The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out. ------------------------------------------CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone. ------------------------------------------ JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head. ------------------------------------------CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off. ------------------------------------------ AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane. ------------------------------------------POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking. ------------------------------------------ RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" ------------------------------------------ PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak. ------------------------------------------BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.------------------------------------------HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.------------------------------------------TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.
Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.
Just watch their faces in the morning!

Go on, tell them

Go on, tell themThis story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring theirspouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if theanswers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

Two sides of the story

Two sides of the story
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???His side of the story:Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.

Little Nancy

Little Nancy
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Anniversary

Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Press clippings

Press clippings
From The Gloucester Citizen'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.
"Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."-------------------------------------------From The Guardian"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards'.
"The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."-------------------------------------------"Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'-------------------------------------------From the Churchdown Parish Magazine"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick', is for monetary donations only."-------------------------------------------From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: "Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."-------------------------------------------From The Times:"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guardspokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"-------------------------------------------From The Scottish Big Issue: "In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of notbeing a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.
"'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be.' where upon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer -attempted to pull them apart.
"Several more Henrys -Smith,Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.
"The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."-------------------------------------------From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."-------------------------------------------From The Derby Abbey Community News: "We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.
"This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."-------------------------------------------From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."-------------------------------------------An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.
The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

The Urinal Challenge

The Urinal Challenge
You mission is to identify correctly, based on proper urinal etiquette, the stall at which you should stand. Good luck!
1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.

X

X


1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.2. Urinal 1 is occupied.
X





1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

3. No urinals are occupied.






1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."
4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.

X

X

X
1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.

5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.

X


X
X
1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!

6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.
X
X


X
X
1
2
3
4
5
6
ANSWER: The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!
ADDITIONAL RULES:
NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.
NO Singing. Period.
Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."

Pay attention

Pay attention
"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense ofobservation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Indecent Proposal

Indecent Proposal
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"
She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and thenreplies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."
The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"
Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"
The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

What Men Really Mean.

What Men Really Mean.
"I'm going fishing."Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."Really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."Really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."Really means..."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."Really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."Really means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."Really means..."I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."Really means..."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it."Really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

You're next

You're next
When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Anyone for a drink?

Anyone for a drink?
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In 'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud". Hans steps up next "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers." Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, give me a coke with ice please".
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I."

French Computers

French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

S.... Education - A new twist on an old joke

Sperm Education - A new twist on an old joke
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.
"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approachthe red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

The bunny and the snake

The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a consultant, a computer programmer, or possibly someone in senior management."

Gender roles

Gender roles
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."

The ant and the elephant

The ant and the elephant
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

One blonde joke too far

One blonde joke too far
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Cave etiquette

Cave etiquette
To: CavematesFrom: Bin Laden, OsamaSent: Monday, November 29, 2001 8:17 AMSubject: The CaveHi guys. We've all been putting in long hours in this conflict but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and the new guy Richard.Love you lots.Osama B.

Christmas Party

Christmas Party
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Monday mornings

Monday mornings
This company hires a new guy and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."
His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off.
The guy then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."
The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in.
Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week.
The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick."
His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the guy shows up, his boss calls him into his office.
"What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
The bloke replies, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex all day long."
"Your sister!" says the boss, "That's disgusting!"
The man replies, "I told you I was sick."

Before it starts

Before it starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Replacing mouse balls

Replacing mouse balls
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last sentence.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic ball are replaced by using the twist-off method.Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Short-changed

Short-changed
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"....
"I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Professions

Professions
Three men and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says: "I'd describe myself as a Y.U.P.P.I.E. -- you know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The next chap says: "Oh, I'm a D.I.N.K. -- Double Income, No Kids."
The third bloke says: "Well I'm a R.U.B. -- Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask: "What are you?"
She replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E. -- Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Don't drink beer

Don't drink beer
Scientists for Health Canada have suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

Willing for a shilling

Willing for a shilling
Two couples were playing cards.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

100 ways to order a pizza

100 ways to order a pizza1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"84. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."85. Haggle.86. Order a one-inch pizza.87. Order term life insurance.88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.92. Engage in some serious swapping.93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.97. Order a steamed pizza.98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Three nuns

Three nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

Very handy

Very handy
A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.
After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloveswould strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sister he went to the department store and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties.
Without checking the contents Daragh sealed the package (with akiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dear Ciara,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her.
She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love,
Fergus
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Four-year olds

Four-year olds
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport!became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.--------------------------------------------An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"--------------------------------------------A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."--------------------------------------------A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"--------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."--------------------------------------------At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."----------------------------------------------I saved the best for last:A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get tits too."

Sign Language

Sign Language
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry.Come on in and get fed up."In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again."

A night in Toronto

A night in Toronto
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom."This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."Well, the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation."Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."

Need a push?

Need a push?
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk." says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Mindless Facts

Mindless Facts
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Quickies

Quickies
Q. What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl? A. The Dallas Cowboys
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3 Chinese friends, Bu, Cu and Fu went to America. They decided to americanize their names.
Bu became Buck, Cu became Chuck and Fu went back to China.
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Q: What do poker and sex have in common?
A: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
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Q. Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A. Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
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Q. Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?
A. She couldn't find the 10 key.
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Q: How do you know when a man's planning for the future?
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.

Good Advice From Kids

Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."-- Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'Don't answer."-- Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."-- Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes."-- Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."-- Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."-- Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."-- Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."-- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."-- Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."-- Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."-- Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."-- Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."-- Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."-- Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."-- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."-- Eileen, age 8

Let's do lunch

Let's do lunch
Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you.
That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'. They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime."
The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?"
"No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."

Have a seat

Have a seat
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

How're you feeling?

How're you feeling?
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Lucky Frog

Lucky Frog
I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ''Ribbit. Three wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit. Vegas.''
So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit. Roulette.''
So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should wager. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''
It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss me.''
I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a 16-year old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying, my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.

Excuses, excuses

Excuses, excuses
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Symbols

Symbols
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences, to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!

Einstein's chauffeur

Einstein's chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker'scircuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get backto his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yetanother rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches."I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard yougive this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

George W. Bush Quotes

George W. Bush Quotes
All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.
"I think we can agree. The past is over."
"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)
"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
"Will highways on the internet become more few?"
"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."
"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."
"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."
"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.
"I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."
"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."
"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."
"It's time the human race entered the solar system."

Definitions of words by gender...

Definitions of words by gender...
THINGYFemale: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLEFemale: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATIONFemale: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTTFemale: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENTFemale: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENTFemale: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCEFemale: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVEFemale: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROLFemale: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.